Thirteen Months With You.

Mr. Caleb Shay,

You are a darling. So happy, so clever, so sweet.

We kicked off this month with your first birthday party. It was a happy day filled with all things yellow and sunshine-y -- a perfect fit for you! You were surrounded by the people you love most, and you had so much fun opening gifts (a.k.a. playing with the tissue paper), digging right into your cake, and getting lots of love and attention from your family & friends, all there to celebrate one whole year with you. It was wonderful.

The very next weekend we celebrated Easter. I didn't really think you would take part in the egg hunt with your brother, but you surprised us all by finding eggs like a pro -- even opening up your brother's big truck to find a special egg hidden inside. Smarty pants! Next year the Easter Bunny will have to come up with some really hard hiding spots, I think.

One month ago you were walking, but now you are really getting around, and getting faster and steadier everyday. I am amazed at how fast those little legs can move! These early weeks of walking are my favourite -- you are still not always 100% steady, and you kind of toddle side to side, looking a bit like a cowboy who has just gotten off his horse after a long ride. So, so cute.

I am happy to report that spring has finally arrived, and you couldn't be happier about it. You are positively fascinated by the world and now that you are free to discover it without the trappings of great big snowsuits and boots and mittens, you are in awe. There is no cuter sight in the whole wide world than you toddling along on your chubby little legs, stopping to point at something that catches your eye (a flag, a rock, a stick). You squat right down to the ground; your eyes fill with wonder and you say "Oohh!" And your enthusiasm is contagious. I find myself marveling at how beautiful and amazing the world can be when you are discovering it for the first time.

We were downtown for supper the other day, and you walked the whole way from the back of the Art Gallery to the car (a very long way for tiny little legs!). You did not want to be picked up and carried. There was just too much to see and too much to discover on your own. You were pointing and squatting and toddling and falling and getting back up again, all with a big smile on your face. Your cheeks were rosy. The setting sun was casting a golden glow on your face, and I just couldn't quite believe how much I love you. These little adventures -- they are magical. I'm so happy to watch you learn and grow.

What else to say about this month?

Well, at 13 months old, you like to:
- Wave and say "hi"
- Blow kisses
- Dance (I cannot handle the cuteness that is your little wiggling body rocking back and forth!)
- Look at books/read stories
- Play in the sand at the park
- Go down the slide all by yourself
- Eat. And eat and eat and eat.
- Play patty cake (Your favourite parts are "roll it" and "mark it with a 'C'" -- you do them both!)
- Say "uh.... oh!" when you drop something
- Share your food with me at suppertime (by putting it right in my mouth)

It has been such a fun month, sweet boy, and I promise that there are many more fun springtime adventures to come! I can't wait to show you more of this big, wide world. I'll teach you about the things we do and see along the way. And, without even trying, you'll teach me more than you could ever know.

So much love. xoxo

Four Easters.

Easter 2010.
I'm wearing a cream skirt and ruffly blue blouse. We go to church that morning and I nearly faint. Not sure why. (Maybe those royal blue heels I'm wearing while nearly five months pregnant?) Tim buys me a muffin afterwards and I feel much better. By late afternoon, as I stand in front of a mirror and lift my blouse, I can see the beginnings of a real, honest-to-goodness baby bump. Spring is here. Life is growing. And it all stretches out before me, dreamy and untouched.

Easter 2011.
A darling boy with dark hair and dark eyes wakes up to his very first Easter basket, white with blue polka-dotted fabric, filled with a tag blankie, board book, bubbles and balls. He is dressed in a plaid shirt and blue sweater, and we spend the afternoon on my parents' back deck. The sun beats down. My nylons come off. It feels like summer, not spring. We find a tiny Mets hat to put on baby's head -- it used to belong to my brother. Baby sits in the exersaucer and smiles, revealing his tiny bottom teeth. The sky is bright pink that night. The world is beautiful.

Easter 2012.
A darling boy with dark hair and dark eyes wakes up to his very first Easter egg hunt. He wears blue fleece pyjamas and blue bunny ears while he scuttles around the family room, collecting bright plastic eggs and placing them in his basket. He doesn't yet know the treats that are hiding inside. That darling boy is now a big brother. A two-week-old baby lies asleep on the couch while all of the excitement plays out around him. Later he is dressed in a grey-and-white striped sleeper and a baby blue hat with bunny ears. His big brother wears a green checkered shirt and khakis, and green argyle socks. We pose for a photo, our family of four. I hold two precious boys on my lap and marvel at how beautiful life can be.

Easter 2013.
Two darling boys -- one dark-haired, one blonde, wake up to an Easter egg hunt. Older brother gathers eggs with purpose, filling his basket and stopping to stuff as many jelly beans as possible into his mouth. Younger brother surprises us all by discovering eggs hidden inside his brother's beloved trucks. One runs around the house; the other toddles on wobbly little legs. Later that day they are both dressed in handsome Easter outfits complete with sweater vests. They spend the day surrounded by family and chocolate and laughter. Older brother hops about singing "Peter Cottontail." Younger brother falls asleep in Grandma's arms, his arms stretched above his head. The snow is finally melting. Spring is finally on its way. And I have two beautiful boys, walking and chattering and making my heart swell.

Four Easters. I remember these bits and pieces from them all -- from a tiny little life quietly growing inside me to two busy boys filling my days with noise and happiness. I wish I could slow it down. Cling to each of these days for a little bit longer. Cradle that baby bump. Kiss those chubby baby cheeks. Hold that warm, tiny newborn against my chest. Re-live that morning with two excited boys hunting down plastic eggs, so innocent and full of wonder, unabashedly believing in magic. Making every holiday (and every day) so wondrous. It's a pair of bunny ears. A woven basket. Shiny eggs filled with jelly beans and Goldfish crackers. An Easter song. And they soak it all up, amazed by the simplest of pleasures. Why can't it always be so?

It goes by too fast -- the refrain of my life. It goes by too fast and I can't make it stop. And so there is the grand, ultimate truth about motherhood: It is heartbreakingly bittersweet.

But then I remember: the only reason it breaks your heart is because it is so, so good. And I will take all of the bitter to get a tiny taste of that sweet.

And today -- well, today I feel nothing but blessed. 

Happy Easter. Happy Spring.

You are my sunshine.

I started thinking about Caleb's first birthday party several months before he actually turned one. I can't help it. I love parties. I love projects. I love any excuse to get artsy and crafty. And nothing helps soften the blow of him growing up and turning - gasp! - one than the thought of planning and hosting a super fun and happy party to celebrate one whole year of this very darling boy.

Since the beginning of his precious little life, Caleb has been a happy boy. A content and easy-going newborn, we rarely heard him cry. And once he learned to smile -- well, there was no stopping him. He lights up the room with his grins and his belly laughs, and he makes us all smile every single day. So what better theme for his party than "You are my sunshine"? Because that's exactly what he is.

Besides, his birthday is the day after the first day of Spring, and there is nothing I crave more at this time of year than sunshine and happy colours.

I dove right in, crafting a ribbon backdrop, pinwheels, photo banner, chevron bunting, and framed sunshine printables (designed by some other very talented ladies) -- all in shades of yellow with pops of orange and blue. Photos from Caleb's birthday photo shoot, a yellow tablecloth, and a yellow balloon banner completed the decor.

For the menu, I tried to stick with things that were yellow or orange, or that somehow reminded me of sunshine: mini mac and cheese bites, mini egg rolls, deviled eggs, popcorn (in cones!), orange and yellow peppers with dip, chips and corn salsa, fruit platter (pineapple, mango, cantaloupe), cheese and mini croissants. We also served lemonade in mason jars with yellow and white striped straws. (Oh how I love those small, simple details!)

I made a special cake for Caleb, iced with buttercream in a yellow ombre pattern. I topped it with pinwheels and a big number "1." The other guests were treated to cherry cheesecake cupcakes topped with yellow icing and sunshine cookie pops. Super adorable and delicious!

My darling Caleb had a smile on his face all afternoon, surrounded by the people who love him most. He opened presents (sort of), scrunching up paper and waving tissue in the air. He checked out all of his new toys and clothes and books. He showed off his new walking skills. He blew out his candle (seriously!) and dove right into his cake. He was showered with love.

I loved this day. I loved seeing my happy boy, and watching our family and friends celebrate one whole year of his precious life. He is very much our sunshine, and this was the perfect party for him: cheerful, fun, sweet, and full of love.

Happy birthday, Caleb Shay! You make us happy when skies are grey. xo

One Year With You.

Caleb,

Happy birthday, baby! You are one year old. One year on this earth. One year in this home. One year as part of our family. It feels like a mere moment, and yet a lifetime all at once (and, in your case, I suppose it has been a lifetime after all!)

This month was a big one for you: you took your first steps! At first you would only take two steps at a time, and only if you really felt like it. Mostly you still preferred to drop to the ground and crawl at increasingly high speed. Then one day, you took four steps, right into my arms. And two days after that, you had suddenly decided that you could and would walk across the whole room all by yourself, just like that. You are amazing, sweet boy! I love seeing your wobbly little legs moving so purposefully to get you from one place to another. Your hands stretched slightly outward for balance. Your sweet face so focused and then so excited once you make it to your destination. You are a joy to watch, baby boy.

You have also started talking a little bit. You wave and say bye ("Ba!"), especially to daddy as he is leaving for work. Sometimes when I am in a different room, you yell "Maa!" (so, so cute). And my favourite is this little sound/word that you do that sounds something like "Ohhhh sis!" and seems to mean "What's this?" You always say it when you see something new or interesting, or are showing me an object.

You also make a really good kissing noise, which you put on display when you kiss us or your stuffed animals, especially Dad Bear. You love him so much, you are always heaving your body onto his and nuzzling into his soft fur. The cutest.

If we ask you "Where are your toes?" you look down and grab your little feet -- adorable. And when your daddy and Everett are playing hockey in the basement and get excited about scoring a goal, you throw your hands up and make some excited sounds of your own. It won't be long before you are joining in the action too.

We took you swimming a few times this month, and you are crazy for it! You especially love crawling up and down the little ramps that lead into the water, splashing all over the place, and then crawling back up to start again. Just wait until summer, little water bug! You will love it.

Right now, at one year old, your favourite things include: people singing you songs, clapping your hands, giving kisses, bath time, Dad Bear, food of any kind (you are SUCH a good eater!), playing with pots and pans (mostly banging the lids on the floor), throwing your soother on the floor, night time cuddles with mama and daddy, pulling off the floor vent covers, pushing just about anything around the room, looking at books (in a not-so-gentle way), mama nibbling your tummy, and watching out the window for daddy to get home from work.

One year ago today you were born. It was an extraordinarily warm March day. I had a cold and had felt very terrible the day before. That morning, I couldn't quite believe that you might be coming so soon. And then, at 1:07 p.m., I pulled your little body onto my chest and saw you for the first time. My darling little boy. You were mine, and I was your mama, and I loved you fiercely from that very first minute.

And now we have spent one whole year together. There have been road trips, weekend getaways, wedding, parties, and family dinners. Trips to the beach and the zoo and the farm. You visited the tulips in the spring, took swing rides in the summer, tasted fresh picked apples in the fall, and went tobogganing in the winter. You were a tiny baby in a blue bunny hat on your first Easter, a smiley scarecrow on your first Halloween, and the happiest little man in grey fleece pyjamas, full of wonder, on your first Christmas morning. So many adventures, big and small. So many memories, my heart is packed to the brim. I know you won't remember it, but you've had a wonderful first year, sweet boy.

As for me, despite all of the fun outings and adventures from the past year, here is what I will remember most: I will remember walking down the stairs with your tiny body snuggled against mine, seeing the springtime sunshine flooding through the windows below, and stopping to look in the mirror at that image -- that image of a mama, tired and happy, and her beautiful new baby. I will remember smiling and feeling so thankful, and wishing that I could live in that moment for a moment or two longer. I will remember you sleeping against my chest as I reclined on the couch, watching TV and smelling the top of your fuzzy blonde head. I will remember propping you up against my bent knees, kissing your bare toes, and seeing you smile at me for the first time, that little dimple nestled in your cheek. I will remember walking down the street and around our neighbourhood, with your body so snug and cozy against my chest in the stretchy wrap, your breathing rhythmic and heavy as you slept to the sounds of the world moving around you. I will remember you lying on the sheepskin in the middle of the floor, and reaching up to touch my face as I leaned in to talk to you. I will remember quiet afternoons spent cuddling and napping together, how small you looked in the middle of that great big bed, the sun peeking through the curtains, and the two of us falling asleep in that golden afternoon glow. I will remember those most deliciously genuine wet and sloppy kisses. I will remember carrying you in my arms, as often as you wanted, as often as I wanted, and kissing that spot on your forehead between your eyes -- the one that makes you calm and sleepy. I will remember you on your tippy toes, peeking over the edge of the bath as it filled with water. I will remember you clapping your pudgy little hands any chance you got, even while nursing. I will remember your contagious, joyful smile, and that positively infectious belly laugh. I will remember the way your little wiggling bum looks as you crawl across the floor. I will remember the way you look when you sleep on me -- your lips all smushed, your eyelashes falling onto your round cheeks, and your mouth forming an "O" as you breathe in and out. I will remember spending one whole year with the sweetest, most joyous little boy. I will remember the wondrous hurt that comes with loving someone this much. These quiet, simple moments -- they are ours. Yours and mine. And they are my most beloved. I treasure them and hold them in my heart, always.

One year with you. You have made our family bigger and better and happier than ever before. You have filled this house with joy. You have made us smile every day. And you have made us so, so thankful that you are ours. 

Happy first birthday to you, Caleb Shay. You are wonderful. We love you so. xoxo

Watching.

Sometimes I forget to watch my kids. I mean, I'm always watching them -- as in, caring for them and keeping them safe, but sometimes I forget to really watch them. Sometimes the days move too quickly and I'm too caught up in diaper changing and lunch making and laundry folding and toy tidying to remember to slow down and watch them. Because it is a fascinating, beautiful, magical thing to just sit back and observe these little beings.

On those fast-moving, busy days, I try to remind myself to sit down for just a few minutes. Sit on the floor in the corner of the room and be with my boys. I forget about all of the chores and to-dos piling up, forget about the clock and the routine, and watch my boys. And it's always a good choice. Good for my heart and good for a smile. Always.

Like today.

Today I watched as Caleb waved goodbye to Tim as he was leaving for work. After months of watching and hearing us do the same, now it was his pudgy little hand flopping back and forth and a smile on his face as he said "Ba!" This is the beginning, I thought. The beginning of that amazing time when they start learning to talk. Growing and changing and learning every day, my darling boy.

Today I watched as Everett ran down the sidewalk, splashing through puddles in his neon green rain boots, and calling "Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!" as he raced to catch up to me, a few steps ahead. The sound of his little voice calling my name, and the excitement in his eyes as he ran towards me, his mama -- I wanted to freeze that moment and live in it for just a little bit longer.

Today I watched as Everett dug through a pile of snow and found an old leaf, leftover from the fall. It was faded and torn, but he brought it over to me with a twinkle in his eye and said "I found a leaf! It is so beautiful!" He discovered it and dug it out, and that made it a treasure. I loved him for that.

Today I watched as Caleb worked oh-so-hard to maneuver the toy box out of its spot in the family room, pushing and pulling and adjusting his wobbly little legs until he had freed it from its space between the TV and the chair. Then with a beaming smile on his face, he was finally able to push it all across the floor, back and forth, always remembering to turn around before he gets to the edge of the stairs. I don't think I could ever tire of seeing his little legs shuffling along the floor, and his sweet little face beaming with pride.

Today I watched as Everett carefully stood on two round wooden discs from a stacking toy and pretended they were skates. He held his sword as though it were a hockey stick, and hit a little blue ball around the family room. "Scooooores!" he yelled. Seeing his imagination take flight like that -- magical.

Today I watched as Caleb wrestled his big brown bear, throwing his little body down onto the soft plush, nuzzling his face into the bear's neck, and then laying a great big kiss on the bear's mouth, complete with a "muah" sound. My sweet, loving, cuddly boy.

These are tiny, simple moments. Ones that could easily slip by unnoticed. But I want to notice them. I so desperately want to memorize all of these cute, sweet, funny things that they do -- things that they will eventually outgrow and leave behind.

To my dear, beautiful boys: thank you for filling our days with joy and curiosity. I love watching you grow and learn and play and be. xo

Dear Everett, On Your Half-Birthday.

My sweetheart!

Today you are two and a half years old. I just spent the last twenty minutes looking back through some old photos of you, unable to believe that you were once a chubby little baby wearing baby blue bunny ears, crawling around our old house, and playing with plastic Easter eggs while I tried to snap your photo (over and over and over). I have to try really hard to remember what you were like then, because it's hard to imagine you as anything other than the little boy you are now. I am glad to have written down so much about your life so far, to have captured those moments in time forever, so that I can always look back to be reminded of all of your wonderful stages and phases.

And what about now? What about 2.5-year-old Everett -- what is he like?

Well, sweet boy, you are so much fun. We spend our days playing and laughing and learning. And talking. So much talking. We have real conversations, you and I, all day long. You like to tell stories, and point out everything you see, and quiz your daddy and I about all sorts of things. "What does a fire truck say?" you ask us. If we give you a good answer, you reply with a little "Yes!" If we don't, you ask again and again until we come up with something that you feel to be right. Sometimes you really have us stumped, though: "What do my boots say?" "What does the chair say?"

You love singing songs, and will ask me to sing specific songs at random times throughout the day. My favourites to hear you sing are "The Rainbow Song" and "Frère Jacques". When we go to playgroup now, you are happy to sit with the kids at circle time and follow along during all of the songs. It is so cute seeing you do all of the actions, and get excited when they sing one of your favourites (like "Sleeping Bunnies"!)

You are still crazy for trucks and vehicles of every kind. It is always an adventure driving anywhere in the car with you, as you have serious eagle eyes and can spot trucks, planes, cranes, diggers, and bulldozers a mile away. You know the names of pretty much every truck I can think of (some of which you actually taught to me -- your mama's not a big truck connoisseur). At any given moment of the day, you can be found rolling your cars and trucks along the floor, up and down the walls, across the couch, or up and down your mama and daddy's arms and legs.

If anyone asks who your best friend is, you say "Nicholas!" You are two peas in a pod, always making each other giggle and run around wildly. You are also realizing that Caleb is getting more fun as he gets older. You sing songs to cheer him up when he's sad, and tickle him to make him laugh. You are always concerned when he is crawling close to the stairs. And sometimes you even share your toys with him. Now that's true brotherly love.

You love being outside, even when it's cold and snowy (that's my Canadian boy!) You like helping daddy shovel the driveway. You like climbing the "mountains" of snow. And you have even tried skating for the first time. Daddy took you to "the hockey store" (Canadian Tire) to buy you your first pair of skates, and your Nana got you a helmet just like the hockey players wear. Your daddy has taken you skating a few times, holding you up as you shuffle your little feet along the ice, so very proud of yourself.

Speaking of hockey, you like to chant "Go Sens go! Alfie! Alfie!" whenever you see hockey on TV. And your newest cheer is "Ooh ahh Silfverberg!" Whenever any player scores, you say "Alfie scoooored!" I love the way you pump your little fist in the air.  Sometimes daddy lets you stay up past your bedtime to watch the first period with him. Sometimes you fall asleep beside him on the couch. (You are adorable.)

Your favourite things to watch are your Mickey Mouse movies and Cars. You like playing on the iPad and can maneuver it like a pro. (I keep it hidden most of the time, because it is equal parts impressive and scary how well you know how to use it!)

You like being a helper for mama or daddy -- you help daddy get groceries, you help mama set the table, you help wash the dishes, you help bake cookies. You love having a task and showing us how well you can do it all by yourself. I love the little instructions you whisper to yourself. While carrying plates to the table: "Have to be really careful!" While mixing cookie dough: "Slowly, slowly." While carrying groceries: "That's really HEAVY! Everett is STRONG!"

I have a little book that I fill with all of the cute and funny things that you say -- and these days I feel like I could put almost everything you say in there. Your daddy and I are always trading stories about the latest thing you have said or done to make us laugh. When did you become such a real little person, with thoughts and ideas all your own? When did you learn to talk so well? It's hard to remember now.

One of the best things about you is your imagination. You are so good at playing pretend, and it is so much fun! You bring me pretend Timbits made from snow when we are playing at the park. You help daddy put on his fireman pants and hat before the two of you drive the couch-turned-firetruck. You get on your tractor and tell me you are going to the beach, and give me a kiss goodbye -- and then you always remember to come back and get your bathing suit! You stand in the middle of the floor with your legs spread apart, pretending to ride your imaginary skateboard. I hope you always remember how magical it is to make believe.

Every night while you are lying in your bed, you turn to your daddy and say "What did you do today, daddy?" And lying there in the dark, you re-live your day, telling daddy about all of the memorable things you did. No matter how big or small, you always find something exciting to tell. You make me smile.

Two and a half years spent with my dear Everett James, and I am so thankful for each of our days together. The hard ones, the silly ones, the special ones, the quiet ones. We have had a lot of fun together, sweet boy. I secretly wish I could re-live these years over and over and over. Hold you as a newborn one more time. Watch those first wobbly steps again. Re-live the magic of you learning to talk. And play pretend with you all day long. My heart is filled with tiny memories and glimpses from the past 2.5 years, and even though I can't re-live them, I know they are there. That I lived them, with you, and that they were so, so good.

You are two and a half years old and getting bigger every day. But you still give your mama endless hugs and kisses (when you are upset you say "Mama give you a hug!") And you still fit perfectly into my arms, just as you always have. Still my baby. I love you so much. xo

Eleven Months With You.

Sweet boy,

Here we are: 11 months old. Only one more month until you are one whole year old. My heart aches to think about it. But only for a moment, and then your smiley face takes over and I am thankful once more for the chance to watch you grow.

You have been fighting a cold this month, which is no fun at all. You were up all night one night with a fever, and it broke my heart to see you hurting like that. It felt like you spent about 24 straight hours in my arms, my poor baby. (But I am always thankful for Caleb cuddles, no matter how I get them.)

You are ridiculously fast at crawling, and still have no interest in walking on your own (not that I am really encouraging it, you know). But you will get up on your feet to push anything you can find around the floor, including your brother's potty (don't worry, it's always clean!) I have a feeling real steps are coming soon, but I must admit I will miss watching your little bum wiggle across the floor as you crawl to get from one end to the other.

You celebrated your first Valentine's Day this month, complete with a photo shoot, footprint and thumb print crafts, a treasure hunt, and heart-themed meals all day long. That night after supper as you played on the kitchen floor, Everett came over and hugged you, saying "I love you so much, Caleb!" Oh, my heart still hasn't recovered. My two baby Valentines. You are so loved, little boy.

You also had your first Winterlude experience this month, with a trip to the canal. You were happy to be pushed along the ice while we skated, all snug and cozy in your stroller. And I promise that next year we'll let you taste a Beavertail!

What else did you love this month? Playing and snuggling in the fort we built in the family room, wrestling and cuddling with Dad Bear, climbing the stairs, brushing your teeth (a.k.a. sucking and gnawing on your toothbrush), pear, getting into the pantry and taking the lid off the crockpot, being tossed onto a bed covered in pillows, Daddy's funny little marching routine at suppertime, the race car ramp (it cracks you up to see the cars sliding down!), biting your mama's shoulder (ouch!), heaving your whole body backwards (and scaring your mama!), putting your soother in other people's mouths, clapping your hands (while nursing), and pulling off your socks while you sit in your high chair.

Now we are one short month away from your birthday. I am in party planning mode, trying to distract myself from the fact that you are going to be ONE (I still can't wrap my head around it) by organizing a super fun day to celebrate you, Caleb Shay.

As your birthday approaches, dear boy, I think back to the beginning. That morning when I woke up feeling twinges of something, and knowing somewhere deep down that today would be your birthday. And my birth day. Now, almost one year later, it all still feels very real. It has softened over time, of course. The memory of the pain isn't as crippling. But I remember it very clearly. Sitting perched on the edge of that bed, leaning into your daddy. His strong arms holding me as you & I worked so very hard to bring you earthside. Those moments near the end, where I knew it was close and knew you were close, and the painful turned to beautiful as you were born, lifted up into my arms, and I set eyes on you for the first time. I changed at that moment. Nothing would ever be the same. Because in that moment I became your mama. And I have loved you for every single second since then.

I think back to that day quite often, actually. Whenever I hear about someone else's baby being born, I think back to our birth day, and my heart starts stirring. Sometimes my arms ache to go back to that moment, and hold you again when you were brand new. Your swollen, soft, pink skin. Your spotted newborn nose. The way you smelled. I remember walking down the stairs when you were just a few days old. I could hold you with just one arm, your tiny body nestled against mine. I was that special, happy kind of new baby tired, and as I came down I could see your dad and brother sitting on the couch. And my heart has never felt so full.

It doesn't seem fair that we only get to live those moments once, and that they pass by so quickly. So yes, sometimes I ache to go back and live them again and again and again. But I carry them in my heart, always. And I remind myself that the present -- that today, with you, is extraordinary. That today will only happen once, and that I'm the lucky mama that gets to spend these hours watching you learn and laugh and grow.

Sometimes I find myself wondering, "What did we do before Caleb came along?" Because I can't fathom an existence without you in it. You were meant to be part of this family. We love you so. xo